Approaching Conflicts in a Sensible Way
Photo by Mohamed Abdelgaffar from Pexels
I can’t be the only one tired of conflicts escalating further than need be.
It seems every time we turn on the TV or scroll through Twitter, there is another violent conflict reported (and for every report, there’s many more we never hear of).
I’m very thankful for the Diploma of Professions Counselling program from VCCT, as it taught me the ins and outs of conflict and resolution. A lesson that stands out above all: While many issues arise through miscommunications, we do things to escalate conflicts without realizing it. One of these is using the wrong type of conflict intervention.
When we approach a situation, we can basically use one of three intervention options: interest-based, rights-based or power-based. Interest-based approaches focus on the wants and needs of (hopefully) both parties. This usually leads to the much-desired win-win situation, as typically we can find something to agree on in a situation if we try hard enough. Right-based approaches signify a barrier has been crossed and that value or need must be respected. Usually, a right requires a sort of jurisdiction (commonly acknowledged legitimacy) to be effective. A common example would be our right to feel our emotions or our freedom of speech. Unfortunately, right-based approaches naturally result in a win-lose situation. Finally, when someone tries to impose their will or authority on others, this can be seen as a power-based approach. These can escalate conflicts to their highest level, typically resulting in a lose-lose situation. In fact, the best possible outcome using power in win-lose, with these wins coming at the expense of things like friendship and respect.
Before I move forward, it has to be said: Our society would crumble without the brave and courageous actions of the police. In my personal opinion, the police are grossly misrepresented in the media, with many of the “good cops” going unnoticed. The amount of pressure and stressed these women and men go through to keep us safe is a debt that can’t be easily paid.
This, however, does not excuse the unnecessary killings of citizens like you and I. In today’s connected culture, we are seeing more and more instances of racial profiling and unnecessary uses of force thanks to our technology. This needs to stop.
When the police are approaching a vehicle without knowledge of who or what they are going to be facing, I completely understand that tensions will be high. In fact, I think it’s unfair for us to put a cop in an isolated and vulnerable position like this. But when faced with these situations, it seems many jump directly to power-based interventions: Raising their voice when not needed; hurling insults/using violent language; pulling a gun.
If the issue of police brutality is going to be solved, it has to be a joint effort. Both sides must take responsibility and work together. Citizens: unless a right is being crossed, cooperate and listen. Police: do not instigate. While this topic is SO much more complicated than this, I believe this is a good place to start. When either side fails to respect the other, chaos ensues.
This also applies to our daily interactions with others. We typically use power-based methods when we don’t agree with another person (see: the Facebook comments section). These will always lead to undesired results. When we can learn to listen and find the outcome that works for all, we are promoting respect, love and community - three essential ingredients for a peaceful and satisfying life.
As you interact with others this week, listen. Truly listen. When we do this, we increase both our understanding and our capacity for empathy.
As mothers and fathers around the world have said: it takes two to tango. Let’s be the ones who choose to not to fight, but to understand.