You Always Have a Choice
In any and every situation, you have a choice.
Throughout my counsellor training program, many concepts and theories spoke to me. Some reminded me of things I went through in my childhood, while others perfectly described what I had trouble putting into words. One of my favourite concepts was choice theory. Made famous by William Glassner, choice theory presents an interesting view of life and personal power. The essence of a choice is this: while we cannot control the situations we find ourselves in, we are never helpless because we have a choice. In fact, our frustrations and unhappiness often stem from not embracing the choices we do have.
According to Glassner, we have five basic needs as humans: to survive, to love and belong, to have power or inner control, to be free and have independence, and to have fun/enjoyment. Throughout our lives, we strive to fulfill these needs. Behaviour, then, can be seen as an attempt to satisfy our needs, closing the gap between who we currently are and who we eventually want to be (a free, satisfied human who is loved and has control over their lives.) Given that a major portion of behaviour is thinking and acting, we control our destiny based on what choices we make.
When we fail to embrace the choice that we have, we are left unsatisfied. We become frustrated, feel helpless and believe we are stuck.
There are SO many examples of this in our lives. For some, the easiest way to see this is through addiction and recovery. While there are many mindsets that one may have when entering treatment, two stick out amongst the rest. The first is the person who comes kicking and screaming, blaming everyone and everything for their issues. This person fails to accept their personal responsibility for their situation and their power in the current moment. The second mindset paints a different picture: while not everything this person has faced is their fault, they come under their own power, humble and without pointed fingers. By choosing to accept their situation and work towards change, the second person typically has a much better outcome in recovery. Those of the second mindset are convinced their present behaviour is not meeting their needs and believes that they can choose alternate behaviours to bring them closer to who they want to become.
This attitude change can be applied to almost any decision we make. Every day is made up of thousands of choices. Some, we choose to embrace; others, we put off. One of my biggest takeaways while learning this concept was the significance of inactivity. Before, when I did nothing in a situation, I looked at it as taking a “break” or distancing myself from a decision. However, according to choice theory, inactivity is a choice. So, when I choose to fire up Netflix instead of, let’s say, prep for the next podcast coming up, I am choosing the less productive option. By viewing the consequences of this behaviour (low mood/energy, boredom, increased stress and anxiety) as out of my control, I am giving up the power I truly have in this situation. If I choose to be inactive, I am also choosing the consequences. If I want to change my situation, step one is choosing a different behaviour.
Glassner uses the term “paining” oneself to describe acting in spite of the consequences. Many times, the negative experiences we face are a result of the behaviours we choose. According to choice theory, it is more accurate to say one is “depressing” themselves, rather than they are “depressed”. This is also true for other topics in mental health, like angering and anxietying.
However, Glassner is well aware that there are always exceptions to the rule. There are truly some situations where there is no choice and thus no power. Victims of abuse, captivity, dictatorships and the like all come to mind. Speaking as a survivor of child abuse, I understand the helplessness and inexplicable pain that stem from these situations. The issue comes when the abuse ceases to exist, but the survival patterns live on.
We all experience pain to varying degrees. When we are confronted with unwanted stimuli, we naturally find a way to get over, go through, or avoid the pain. Sometimes, the situation is so unfair and out of our control, that these solutions become deeply ingrained means of survival - especially in childhood. For some, the answer is substances. Others may choose to “act out”. Even more, like myself, turn inward and learn to hate not only their situation, but who they are.
Today, I no longer face abuse or my abuser. Yet, I can still find myself attracted to the comforting survival techniques I developed, like binge eating, isolating myself or obsessing over things like my body shape or weight. Today, I have the choice to become who I want to be, yet I am vulnerable to what I’m terming “learned helplessnessing” myself.
But here’s a cool thing: even when I was a captive of abuse, I still had control over my reactions. No matter the situation I faced, I had the choice to react in anger and become the person I swore I would never be, or take whatever hate was thrown my way and turn it into love for others. Trevor Noah talks about this in his new Netflix special Son of Patricia. I won’t spoil anything, but pay attention to the choice Trevor has when faced with racism by others.
Simply put, we don’t have control over everything life presents us, but we always have some control over how we respond. My challenge to you is this: take full responsibility for the choices you make. If you are unhappy with your life, look first to your choices before you point the finger to other people, places or things. We only have control over our thoughts, feelings and behaviours - by believing we don’t have a choice, we not only give up our control, but we relinquish our power with it.