Seek and Ye Shall Find
If we look hard enough, we find whatever we’re looking for.
The brain is an incredible thing. This ball of matter has a role in anything humans do: breathing, talking, thinking, seeing. 100 billion neurons control everything we do and adapt to changes in our environment. One of the cooler things the brain does is group certain neurons together - into brain pathways and neural networks - to make processes more efficient. In the same way a wire is insulated by polyethylene, our neural pathways become insulated by myelin to increase the speed and strength of our responses. Our brains physically change to expend less energy on routine tasks and free up mental space for novel stimuli.
Another amazing part of human programming is how we are drawn towards what feels good and what keeps us alive. When something serves a purpose, we learn to seek it out. For early humans, this may have been fire, food and community. Today, our phones, technology and mood-altering substances make us feel pleasure, connect us with others and make our lives feel much easier to deal with.
One particular survival tactic was learning how to fit into groups. Being part of a group afforded more opportunity to reproduce, additional resources and protection. Even today, solitary confinement is one of the worst things you can do to a person. Unfortunately, an efficient way of fitting oneself into a group is to put others down.
This is seen best through in-group/out-group theory. This concept has roots in social psychological and describes how one’s affiliation affects their perception. The “in-group” is the group one sees themselves belonging to; the “out-group” consists of that which one does not identify with. Groups are made based on almost any similarity, including race, age, food preferences or opinion on skydiving. A natural byproduct of social identity theory is out-group derogation: the out-group is viewed as undesirable and threatening. This lends itself to in-group favouritism and unfair judgement of the out-group.
In our lives, we can be biased towards finding the negative in ourselves or others. It can seem like everything and everyone around us has a flaw, is disagreeable or isn’t fair. At the very least, if we needed to, we could find something wrong with any situation (see: debates).
Coming together over things we like/dislike is the reason the Real Housewives and The Kardashians are popular; gossip, fights and retail therapy are either attractive or entertaining to many people. These shows typically focus on drama and negative situations, and this speaks to us for some reason. Sooner or later, we find ourselves gossiping with our friends or pointing out the flaws in our friends, our enemies and ourselves.
Flip over to Facebook and you’ll find many more examples of this. Facebook was once a channel to express ourselves to the world; it has now become a political wasteland where comments are largely negative, either disagreeing with the post or attacking others. That is unless it’s a meme or a dog post. We love those.
In a capsule, this sort of negativity seems harmless. However, constantly being exposed to negativity, and worse, seeking out negativity creates deeply ingrained pathways in our brains. We want to find the flaws in others because it feels good. If I can find the negative in you, I move up the social totem pole.
Unfortunately, this habit quickly turns into finding the flaws and negatives in ourselves. Looking at life through this negative lens tints everything we perceive. For some, they’ve always been biased towards finding their own flaws. Abuse of any type can leave a child predisposed to search for what they did to deserve this treatment. Sometimes, the only way a child can make sense of their experience is to blame themselves; negative self-esteem and self-loathing become their reality. This was my experience.
In my opinion, this negative bias creates a stronger foundation for things like body image issues and addiction. Speaking from personal and second-hand experiences, thinking about something for long enough can create an obsession; obsessions lead to pre-occupation and negative reward promoting behaviours (when an action takes away undesirable stimuli, leading to the continuation of the behaviour). Seek and ye shall find.
Focusing on what was wrong with me over time developed into body dysmorphia issues. My perception of my body was not consistent with objective measures (doctors, scale) or the views of others (never accepting a compliment). All I focused on for years was my fat thighs, bloated stomach and undefined arms. Not having an outlet to reduce my negative feelings led me towards binge eating. I quickly learned if I ate enough food, I both numbed my feelings and found a new reason to hate myself. Talk about feeding two birds a scone (Thanks, PETA).
A major part of my recovery from a negative self-concept and disordered eating was changing my focus. In many ways, we create the reality we live in through our choices.
In the same way that we choose our behaviours, we have a choice over our thoughts and our attitude. At any point in life, we can choose to remove the negative from our lives, whether that is a person, a place, or an activity. By understanding the power of our perception, we can gain better control over our emotions and our lives.
Take Kevin Hart for example:
That says it all, doesn’t it? Focusing on the positive breeds the positive, while negativity begets more negativity. Want to reduce the negativity in your life? Embrace the positive.
What does that look like in our lives? While it takes time, we can learn to tune into the positives and our progress. In other words, we focus on what we ARE doing instead of what we aren’t.
Like any habit, it takes time to learn new patterns and even longer to remove old ones. As previously mentioned on this site, to get rid of a negative, we add the positive. This naturally fills in the “void” left by removing a habit, while adding in something beneficial for personal growth. In my own life, I wanted to get rid of the habit of constantly checking my weight and body shape in the mirror. Whenever I felt the urge to hop on the scale or search for what I didn’t like in the mirror, I added in positive self-affirmations. Instead of staring at my stomach, I’d look myself in the eyes and say objective statements: “I am loveable”, “I am strong”. “I am worthy”, “Others like being around me”, “I am enough”.
Psychologically, seeking the positive becomes the habit. When we look at ourselves, we start patting ourselves on the back instead of tearing ourselves down. We learn that others have flaws and accept that; we let them have differing opinions and focus on what brings us together. In all situations, seeking positivity typically brings the best results for our relationships, our interactions and our mental health.
Little in life changes overnight. Often, progress requires patience and persistence. Our perceptions are no different; it takes time to remove our tendency to focus on the negative. Thankfully, just being aware when negativity creeps into your thoughts is the start of progress.
Seek the positive in your life and you will benefit.